Girlfriends in Christ Mentor Tammy Childers

Advice About Teen Daughter

2010-09-27T05:46:00.000-07:00

Return to original post

Melissa,

First and foremost she has to understand how valuable she is. She was created to be the apple of God’s eye. He created her physical body with a specific purpose – He created her mind to help guide her through life – He created her heart to give her compassion and tenderness. But none of these were created independent of the other. Everything about us is designed to intertwine for His purpose. To upset the balance of one, upsets the balance of the whole being. She is precious to Him. She needs to take time to let that sink into her soul. She is more valuable to Him than any other. Because you’ve said she is a Christian girl, you and I both know she has heard countless times how her body is God’s temple. And that is certainly true. Unfortunately when your hormones are screaming one thing – it gets pretty difficult to recollect that fact simply because you’ve been taught it. The strength to resist the temptation that ALL girls at this age face comes from the infallible assurance of whose she is. And as far as trying to get their attention, she only has to do one thing – be born. They notice her. They see her. But here’s the beauty of it – she gets to choose what they see. SHE gets to decide how they view her. Without fail, a guy will notice a beautiful girl. He will see (and feel) when one is changing herself to be noticed. Is that what he really wants? Maybe for the moment – but not really. If he could flashforward about 10-15 years, I think what he would find is that what he really wants is someone who is confident, a girl who is solid in what she believes in even when she’s standing on shaky ground. He wants someone he can rely on; someone to trust without question. He will find her kind spirit, her laughter, and her honesty far more beautiful than the local hottie. And the truth of the matter is – they are a dime a dozen. Practically any girl can dress the part and play the role, but alarmingly only a handful are able to withstand the lie that we, as a society, have poured into them. But your daughter has the power to do just that. No one can make that choice for her – and trust me, as a mother of 2 teenage daughters, I wish I could. But what strength that comes from knowing that the God of the universe has equipped her to make those decisions! Far too often, young girls are making decisions in opposition to God’s plan for them and as we both well know – there are always consequences. Now if your daughter could flashforward 15 years – what does she want to be remembered as? In looking back, certainly I remember a couple of the beauty queens but what truly remains in my memory are the girls who were nice to me. The ones that didn’t gossip and were there when boyfriends weren’t. The ones who had me over to their house and I felt welcomed. The ones that helped me sort through life. At the same time I also remember those who had a reputation for making some pretty rotten choices and to this day when I run into one of them – that is my first thought. Sad, but true. How she presents herself now WILL be remembered. I heard a speaker, Chad Eastham, ask a room full of 10,000 girls did they want to be a target or a treasure? He went on to explain how girls have such power to determine how others view them. I strongly recommend his book, "The Truth About Guys". He takes a very honest approach at what guys are thinking and what girls should know.

Tough, tough times. Tougher now for this generation than any other. My prayer is that your daughter will submit to the will of the Holy Spirit above all else. She deserves nothing less!

Marital Problem

2009-09-27T11:39:00.001-07:00

Return to original post

I am so sorry you find yourself in this very difficult place in your relationship with your husband. First and foremost, I want you to never lose sight of the fact that your Heavenly Father loves you so very deeply. He adores you and desires so much for you. He delights in you. As you walk through this dark time, the only thing I know to suggest to you is to walk in obedience. Pour your heart out to God and ask Him to fill the empty places of your heart. Make time to meditate on His word and take time to listen to what He speaks to you. Ask Him to direct every step; to give you wisdom. And pray for your husband. God never intended for a husband to be abusive and if this is the situation you find yourself in, you must keep yourself safe. Commit your life to the Lord and let Him work out the details. He will carry you through this, see you to the other side, and set you on a straight path if you let Him. I will be praying for you, for your husband, for your safety, and for your marriage.

How Do I Know I'm a True Christian?

2009-07-15T07:13:00.000-07:00

Return to Original Post

First off, let me start out by thanking you for submitting the question. I believe even the "best" of Christians doubt their salvation at one time or another - I know I certainly have. We tend to make the security of our salvation more complicated than it has to be. You stated that you are saved, which is the ONLY requirement to be with the Lord when He returns. Salvation in itself is simple - if you have asked Jesus to forgive you of your sins and have submitted to His authority by allowing Him to be Lord of your life, then you are saved. And NOTHING can break that. The Lord will never leave you, He will not forsake you.

I loved this part, "I just don't feel like it's enough to be with Jesus when he comes." Our works will never be enough - we will never do enough or be good enough to deserve residence with Him. That is the beauty of grace. If you truly are saved . . . then rest. Rest in the peace of knowing that you are everything to Him and He wouldn't want you anywhere else than where He is. Enjoy the works you do for Him - continue to pray, press on trying to win others to Christ - but do them because you love Him and you love others, not because a payment is required. That already happened when God offered His Son.

And on a final thought, let me encourage you to begin reading your Bible daily. I promise you, when you bury your face in His word - peace will come. And it will come at times when it makes no sense at all. I like to think that is God whispering, "It's all going to be okay. You're mine and I will never leave you." I want you to know that, and I'm convinced that we never truly know God until we study Him. So open up your Bible and commit to read it every single day - you deserve it and He desires it.

Much love,
Tammy

A Suffering Adult Child

2009-02-05T17:58:00.000-08:00

Return to original post

This is so unfortunate for so many. I can tell the pain is unbearable for you to watch your daughter and grandchildren suffer. We are praying for you and your family and stand firm in the belief that God is good regardless of the circumstances. The immediate need that needs to be addressed is their safety. I'm concerned, as I know you are, about a pregnant mother of 3 young children being in isolation for long periods of time. I would encourage you to talk to your pastor if you are affilaited with a church for spiritual and practical guidance. Keep the lines of communication open, very open, with your daughter. Express your concerns over her safety. I know it seems unsurmountable when resources are limited, but let me encourage you to continue praying for her. Ask her to accompany you if you do speak with your pastor. Remind her that although it may not look like it now, if she's serious about turning her life over to the Lord - He will not leave her side. He will walk her through these turbulant times and direct her paths. He will bring her out of the darkness in His time and according to His will. Please know that I am praying for you, as are the other mentors. She is so fortunate to have a mother that is this concerned over her well-being. God will honor that, just keep lifting her and your precious grandchildren up to Him.

What can I do to adjust to my father getting remarried?

2008-03-20T11:18:00.000-07:00

This is one of those times where there is no easy answer and oh, how I wish there was. My parents divorced when I was 15 and I remember how it felt to be forced to conform to the new family dynamics. It’s extremely difficult and equally as painful. What I want you to remember above all else is that God sees you right where you are and this is no surprise to Him. He knows you’re hurting and He knows why you’re hurting. If at all possible, I suggest you try to have a conversation with your father. Let him know ahead of time that it is very important to you that you have his undivided attention. Cover it in prayer and know what you want to say to him. Be careful not to attack his fiancée but be honest with how and why she makes you feel as you do. Even though you don’t like her, she is the woman he has chosen to marry and so I think it’s important you be as tactful as possible. Also, tell him you feel ignored. Tell him how important your relationship with him is to you and see if the two of you can come up with some ways to make the time you have together quality time; give him some ideas of things you would like to do with him. Don’t give up on him just yet, this is new to him as well. The only way the 2 of you will have a chance to resolve this is to make sure you are grounded in the Truth and be honest with one another. Give each other some room to make some mistakes while you work through this. And by all means, don’t run away from your Heavenly Father. Run as fast as you can to Him. In all of this chaos, He is the only one that has this under control. Trust Him to get you through this very difficult time. Pour out your heart to Him – let him know your hurts, frustrations, and anger. When you do this, it opens up the door for Him to communicate with you and begin working in a very powerful way. I am a very strong advocate of journaling. I find that when I am able to express my innermost feelings in a very honest way, I begin to see things a little more clearly and journaling helps me to do that. You can incorporate that into your quiet time with God and you might just be amazed at how He shows up! As a child of divorced parents, I understand your pain and will continue to pray for you. I promise you will get through this – no matter how dark it seems right now – you will get through this.

My relationship

2007-08-29T16:26:00.000-07:00

This prayer request is very important! Although there is no miracle answer, the best I have to offer is to wait. Use this next 3 months to cover your relationship in prayer. Continue to be honest with one another about your feelings and commit to pray together, seeking God’s best. Even though there is a distance between you, there are so many ways you can offer words of encouragement and pour life into the relationship. In the end, when she does return home, there is still a chance that the feelings won’t be the same. You may find it has grown into something more solid than what it would have been had you not had the distance and then again it may have changed completely. I wish there was a rock-solid solution but the only thing I know of that is rock-solid is Christ. Always remind yourself that God is in control and you look to Him alone to fulfill your needs. What I hope for above all else is that the two of you submit to God’s will for your life. Allow God to work in you and through you so that you will fit perfectly with the one He has designed for you. I pray for the both of you as you continue to go through this time of transition in your relationship, knowing that God has great things in store.

Confused

2007-08-29T12:06:00.000-07:00

I’m glad to hear you say you are struggling with this. This tells me you know what you find yourself in the middle of is not the best for you. There is not a gray area here; stealing is wrong. God commands obedience. Be careful not to buy into what the world is telling you. I hear you say it is “almost accepted.” It’s not. If that were the case, laws would be changed and what you are doing would no longer be criminal nor would you have anything to feel guilty about. If stealing is what it takes to impress a boy, then I have to question his character. His primary thoughts are not for your benefit; if they were then he would encourage you to stop and even be willing to risk losing the relationship if you refused. Look farther down the line . . . if your relationship with him includes theft as the foundation, what substance is there? If you are untrustworthy now, which is the bottom line when you choose to steal, why would he trust you later? The same can be said for him – if this is what it takes to impress him now, what will it take later? If you truly desire to impress, don’t set the bar so low. Be a young woman of excellence – choose righteousness. If you are involved in your local church, let me encourage you to go to your pastor. If you are not actively involved in a church now, get plugged into one. We are so fortunate to live in a country where churches are on every corner – find one. Surround yourself with friends that have character and want to stand apart for the right reasons, ones that will lift you up and encourage you. Stop the behavior, repent, and ask God to help you when the temptation arises. And be prepared, because the temptation will come and the only way you can fight it is with the help of the One who has already overcome evil. How exciting to know that the reason you are struggling is because God Himself is wooing you back to Him. The Holy Spirit stands ready to fight for you if you will let Him. Bury your face in His word, thank Him for forgiveness. If you have a relationship with your parents that allows it, talk to them. Tell them what has been going on in your life and let them help you. Ask for their advice and let them know you desire to change. Make restitution wherever possible, but I don’t suggest you do this alone. Again seek guidance from your parents or pastor. God has so much more in store for you and it is quite possible the reason you don’t feel the way you should is because you are being held in bondage by sin. I will be praying for you as I expect great things for you.

Dealing with the consequences of premarital sex

2007-08-29T10:49:00.000-07:00

There are so many things in life that we have no control over. We are plagued daily with images of natural disasters, world hunger and poverty, diseases, molestation . . . But God, in His sovereignty, allows us to choose. He allows us to choose to live for Him or against Him. There is no doubt His heart breaks when He sees the beauty He created being hidden behind the shadow of evil. When another infant is left orphaned because AIDS has no discrimination, He weeps. When cancer takes a young mother away from her small children, His heart is torn in two. When a child is robbed of her innocence at the hand of someone she trusts, He mourns. But equally as heartbreaking is to watch someone who is as beautiful as the very first sunset He put in motion choose death over life. Thankfully, His mercies are new every morning. If you have come to Him with a repentant spirit, you can take comfort in knowing your sin has been forgiven. But He is also a God of expectations. I pray that you take this opportunity to examine what direction you really want your life to go. It is obvious that excessive drinking and unprotected sex with a non-believer is not the path you had in mind. Choose not to walk it. Use God’s word as a lamp to your feet to guide your every step. I suggest you pray for this man, but consider doing so from a distance. Let your life reflect the image of Christ. If you have faith in God, then stand on it and don’t waiver from it. If Christ is to be the center of all of your relationships, then be upfront with this man about it. Hopefully, he’ll see a transformation in you that he too will want. I pray for both of you as you make choices that may be difficult but necessary. Let me encourage you to stay in His word and pray continually. Seek His face when making decisions about the direction you are heading. Trust Him to be good to you – because without fail He will be.

Need Help With A Friend

2007-05-23T15:25:00.000-07:00

I love your passion and it’s thrilling to know you want your friends to share your faith. Although I do believe God calls us to share the truth with non-believers, we have to be careful in how we do so. Right now, I suggest you allow the love of Christ to show through you. Treat your friend as Christ would; stay grounded in your faith and continue to pray for her. You are much more likely to win her by loving her with actions rather than trying to force your beliefs on her. Avoid confrontations or arguments and keep in mind that this is what is being practiced in her home. It puts your friend in a difficult position to have to choose between what her mother believes is the truth and what you do. We know there is one truth and we know that truth lies with Jesus Christ as our Savior. Keep in mind that God is big. He hears your prayers and knows you desperately want your friend to come to know Him. I strongly believe that when we continually pray for those we love to come to know Christ, He will answer.

What Should I Do?

2007-05-19T07:21:00.000-07:00

First of all, I want to commend you on your determination to live as a godly young woman. Stand firm! I will never understand why people treat each other the way they do. One thing you have to remember is that as hard as you fight for a Christ-like life, Satan will fight against it. I have to believe what you are going through is more of a spiritual battle. That not at all condones her behavior. There is no doubt about it that she is wrong. Proverbs 16:28 tells us that gossip separates close friends. She not only is dishonoring your character and that of your boyfriend’s – she is also damaging her own. Even more detrimental is the thought of her hindering someone else’s growth in Christ. God hates gossip. There are 7 things that are detestable to God and a lying tongue is one of them, as are a heart that devises wicked schemes and a person that stirs up dissension. Although I think it is important you treat her in a Christ-like manner, I don’t believe it is of benefit to either of you to pretend as if there isn’t a problem. You may want to speak with your youth pastor or another trusted adult that knows both your personalities. What I don’t suggest is putting yourself in a situation that allows a confrontation between just the two of you. If that happens, chances are you will walk away with two different versions which will once more open the door for gossip. Before you approach the situation, be prayed-up and armed with scripture. Use this as an opportunity to let your true character shine. Approaching this in a mature fashion, grounded in the truth allows God to work in both of your lives. If you choose to distance yourself from her, be honest with her as to why. One of my favorite passages is Exodus 14:14, “You only need remain calm; the Lord will fight for you.” That doesn’t translate into, “I’m a doormat and you can walk all over me.” What it does mean is that God promises to deliver those who love Him. You have no control over someone else’s behavior but you do have control over how you handle situations that result from that behavior. It’s unfortunate you have to face this but I am so proud that in the midst of something so very painful you are leaning on the Lord. Once you get to the other side of this – and you will – you will be better armed to handle the next ploy Satan throws your way – and he will. Remain true to your relationship with Christ, stay in the Word, and allow the Holy Spirit to lead you. He will not leave you to handle this one on your own.

Soulmate

2007-05-07T12:26:00.000-07:00

I can assure you of one thing - God has not slacked off on preparing either one of you. You and the man God has handcrafted for you are first string instrumentalists in the most prominent of orchestras. No one understands the music score better than the composer Himself, as it is with God creating you. He knows exactly what characteristics you need from someone to compliment your personality and He knows exactly what benefit you will be to another. No one on this earth, not your parents, not your best friend, not even your “soulmate” can understand you fully – they didn’t design you with a purpose in mind. Think about it - while God is creating all of those who will come into your life, He has you in mind. Psalm 139:15-16 tells us all of our days were written in God’s calendar before we were even born. Isn’t that amazing! Rather than praying for you and your soulmate to be united now – pray God will bring you together in His time. One of the most difficult things you will ever encounter is waiting on God. You will find that more times than not, His timetable is not the same as ours. We want what we want when we want it. But God wants to use you right where you are just as you are. Remember you are His instrument. His purpose may only include you right now but trust me – when the time is right God will lead you to the man you have prayed for if you allow Him. It’s important that while you wait, you remain faithful. Be mindful that your actions now can directly impact your future and your future husband. You want to be able to bring the very best of yourself into a marriage. And while you find yourself waiting, enjoy the journey. Take the hand of the lover of your soul and walk with Him. Spend time with Him, get to know more about Him, read His word, and let Him speak to you, ask Him to give you peace while you wait. If you find yourself becoming impatient or anxious about the situation, remember what it is that you want in a relationship. Journal your thoughts and read I Corinthians 13:4-8 to remind yourself of the type of love God wants to give you. Sometimes I think God just wants us to show that we trust Him so He can give us the desires of our hearts, because it’s what He longs to do.

Now, if those few words of encouragement aren’t enough – let me give you the flip side. A freight train wreck waiting to happen, nails on a chalkboard, sandpaper constantly grinding, having your teeth pulled, a leaky faucet that just won’t quit, an annoying girl in your 5th period class with that shrill voice that gets on your nerves . . . all these things are what I think about when someone finds themselves in a miserable relationship. Just wait on God. He’ll put you on the right train, give you a manicure, leave the sanding to the construction crew, add some anesthesia for when that tooth hurts, send a plumber, and have the squealer transferred to a school in Ireland. And then, there will be Prince Charming waiting to take care of you as God intended.

Going through a divorce and struggling with finances

2007-04-10T12:01:00.000-07:00

I’m so sorry that you are hurting. I can tell that you are in an extremely difficult place. As hard as it is sometimes, don’t ever forget that God knows exactly where you are. He loves you and will never forsake you. I pray that He will give you peace and comfort during this time. I pray that He will protect your home, your finances, and most importantly your health. I trust Him to see you through this and I sincerely pray that after you finish going through the valley and find yourself on the mountaintop that you will have experienced the most intimate journey with the only One that can see you through. I pray that you will have a renewed love for your Father and will draw strength from seeing Him work so beautifully in your life. I encourage you to seek Christian counseling not only to help you with this most difficult time but also to offer godly wisdom concerning your finances. You will remain in my prayers.

Update: I Have a Major Question

2007-03-28T11:10:00.000-07:00

You go girl!!!! You are my hero. I am so proud of you. Sometimes the right decisions can be the most difficult but God always blesses obedience. Keep in mind that as God is shaping you into the woman he desires you to be – He is doing the same thing with a very special young man. Wait for him . . . I promise it will be worth it.

I have a major question

2007-03-26T10:15:00.000-07:00

Let me ask you, do you know how valuable you are? I mean, really. Do you know that you were created to be a princess? You were created to be honored and loved. You are beautiful, created in the image of Christ, and deserving of nothing less than what God intended for you. There is so much power in that! Unfortunately, that is not what the world is telling us. Without standing on my soap box for too long, it angers me to see how our society has cheapened God’s most exquisite creation. Absolutely gorgeous, successful women send messages to our teens that modesty & purity are no longer of value. That is such a lie! Because what they fail to project is the broken heart beneath the beautiful body. You cannot live a life so contrary to God and expect there not to be consequences. Don’t misunderstand me – we all fail at times. I know I certainly have; and it comes with a price. God is always willing to pick us back up, dust us off, and point us in the right direction. He wants nothing less than the very best for you – and that comes from actively seeking Him every single minute of every single day.

Now, you said your boyfriend is not pressuring you but I’m afraid I have to disagree. He may not be giving you an ultimatum, but if he has indicated to you that he is ready to go farther in the relationship than you are willing to, he’s putting pressure on you. Remember that sin rarely slaps us upside the head unannounced; typically it begins very small . . . an inappropriate thought, a subtle touch, words that are hidden in love but have an ulterior motive. Your body is going through some very exciting but confusing changes right now. It is natural to wonder about sex, but you must never forget that God has provided very specific boundaries for reasons that are of benefit to you. I suggest you approach your boyfriend with firmness that sex is not an option for you. Period. Refuse to be alone with him to resist the temptation, go out in groups and take some of the pressure off of both of you. I heard one of the singers from ZoeGirl speak recently and she talked of her choices sexually as a teenager/young adult and how they impacted her life. When she met the man that became her husband, he would not put himself in a situation that left him alone with her. Not because he didn’t want to be alone with her but because he DID want to be with her and he feared that he would not be able to resist the temptation. More important to him than satisfying his own desires was honoring her. Your boyfriend should regard you in the same way, and if he doesn’t, as difficult as it may be to admit, he may not be the man God designed for you. Surround yourself with girlfriends that are taking the same stand. I think it’s safe to say many of your Christian girlfriends have already compromised in this area. Stand firm in knowing that God has more in store for you. When you meet the man who will be your husband, whether it turns out to be your current boyfriend or someone else, don’t you want to be able to give him all of you? Let me suggest a great book written for girls from a guy’s perspective, “The Truth About Guys” by Chad Eastham. He gives answers to some questions you may have based on scripture without being “preachy” – plus he gives some insight on how a guys mind works! (Wish I had that one about 20 years ago!!) Check out his website for more info www.chadeastham.com.

And finally, if you have already crossed into territory you know you shouldn’t be in – remember that God is always faithful to forgive those who ask with a repentant spirit. His love for you has not changed one ounce if you’ve made poor choices. Turn it around – it won’t be easy – but you can do all things through Christ. You deserve not to walk around with the scars of sex outside of God’s will. The price that comes with the short season of fun is way too high. It is my prayer that you will continually make decisions that will honor God so you can experience the fullness of what He has in store for you.

Me and My Family

2007-03-26T08:55:00.000-07:00

First of all, let me begin by reassuring you that it absolutely is helping for her to know who you are. I commend you for desiring to be such a part of their lives. You have so many other distractions available to you as a teenager and yet you have chosen to pursue them. This brings to mind how God is always pursuing us. He never tires or gives up, nor should you – even when it feels pointless (Gal 6:9). Imagine what our lives would be like if God threw up His hands and said, “Forget it. She’s not worth the effort any longer; I’m tired.” Fortunately He sees our hearts and I trust that your sisters will see yours as well. Let me encourage you to live your life as a godly young woman, knowing you are setting an example for them (Prov. 21:21). Stay in contact with them as much as what is agreeable with your parents and above all, pray for them continually. There are no obstacles big enough to block your communication with God. He will hear you, and He will bless your faithfulness. And then one day as your sisters grow older, they will be so thankful they had a strong woman of God in their corner. He has a plan for your sisters (Jer. 29:11) and I have no doubt that you are a part of that plan. Whenever you grow tired I want you to remember 2 things:

• You are in a battle. Anything Satan can do to cause you frustration or disappointment he will because he has 2 more souls to gain if he can be successful (I Peter 5:8). Don’t let him win.
• Imagine what their lives could be like without you interceding on their behalf. You will never know fully on this side of heaven what your prayers have protected them from and provided for them. No prayer goes unheard, and God always honors those who honor Him (Psalm 145:17-18).

God bless you and your sisters and I will be praying for you.