Advice About Teen Daughter

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Melissa,

First and foremost she has to understand how valuable she is. She was created to be the apple of God’s eye. He created her physical body with a specific purpose – He created her mind to help guide her through life – He created her heart to give her compassion and tenderness. But none of these were created independent of the other. Everything about us is designed to intertwine for His purpose. To upset the balance of one, upsets the balance of the whole being. She is precious to Him. She needs to take time to let that sink into her soul. She is more valuable to Him than any other. Because you’ve said she is a Christian girl, you and I both know she has heard countless times how her body is God’s temple. And that is certainly true. Unfortunately when your hormones are screaming one thing – it gets pretty difficult to recollect that fact simply because you’ve been taught it. The strength to resist the temptation that ALL girls at this age face comes from the infallible assurance of whose she is. And as far as trying to get their attention, she only has to do one thing – be born. They notice her. They see her. But here’s the beauty of it – she gets to choose what they see. SHE gets to decide how they view her. Without fail, a guy will notice a beautiful girl. He will see (and feel) when one is changing herself to be noticed. Is that what he really wants? Maybe for the moment – but not really. If he could flashforward about 10-15 years, I think what he would find is that what he really wants is someone who is confident, a girl who is solid in what she believes in even when she’s standing on shaky ground. He wants someone he can rely on; someone to trust without question. He will find her kind spirit, her laughter, and her honesty far more beautiful than the local hottie. And the truth of the matter is – they are a dime a dozen. Practically any girl can dress the part and play the role, but alarmingly only a handful are able to withstand the lie that we, as a society, have poured into them. But your daughter has the power to do just that. No one can make that choice for her – and trust me, as a mother of 2 teenage daughters, I wish I could. But what strength that comes from knowing that the God of the universe has equipped her to make those decisions! Far too often, young girls are making decisions in opposition to God’s plan for them and as we both well know – there are always consequences. Now if your daughter could flashforward 15 years – what does she want to be remembered as? In looking back, certainly I remember a couple of the beauty queens but what truly remains in my memory are the girls who were nice to me. The ones that didn’t gossip and were there when boyfriends weren’t. The ones who had me over to their house and I felt welcomed. The ones that helped me sort through life. At the same time I also remember those who had a reputation for making some pretty rotten choices and to this day when I run into one of them – that is my first thought. Sad, but true. How she presents herself now WILL be remembered. I heard a speaker, Chad Eastham, ask a room full of 10,000 girls did they want to be a target or a treasure? He went on to explain how girls have such power to determine how others view them. I strongly recommend his book, "The Truth About Guys". He takes a very honest approach at what guys are thinking and what girls should know.


Tough, tough times. Tougher now for this generation than any other. My prayer is that your daughter will submit to the will of the Holy Spirit above all else. She deserves nothing less!

Marital Problem

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I am so sorry you find yourself in this very difficult place in your relationship with your husband. First and foremost, I want you to never lose sight of the fact that your Heavenly Father loves you so very deeply. He adores you and desires so much for you. He delights in you. As you walk through this dark time, the only thing I know to suggest to you is to walk in obedience. Pour your heart out to God and ask Him to fill the empty places of your heart. Make time to meditate on His word and take time to listen to what He speaks to you. Ask Him to direct every step; to give you wisdom. And pray for your husband. God never intended for a husband to be abusive and if this is the situation you find yourself in, you must keep yourself safe. Commit your life to the Lord and let Him work out the details. He will carry you through this, see you to the other side, and set you on a straight path if you let Him. I will be praying for you, for your husband, for your safety, and for your marriage.

How Do I Know I'm a True Christian?

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First off, let me start out by thanking you for submitting the question. I believe even the "best" of Christians doubt their salvation at one time or another - I know I certainly have. We tend to make the security of our salvation more complicated than it has to be. You stated that you are saved, which is the ONLY requirement to be with the Lord when He returns. Salvation in itself is simple - if you have asked Jesus to forgive you of your sins and have submitted to His authority by allowing Him to be Lord of your life, then you are saved. And NOTHING can break that. The Lord will never leave you, He will not forsake you.

I loved this part, "I just don't feel like it's enough to be with Jesus when he comes." Our works will never be enough - we will never do enough or be good enough to deserve residence with Him. That is the beauty of grace. If you truly are saved . . . then rest. Rest in the peace of knowing that you are everything to Him and He wouldn't want you anywhere else than where He is. Enjoy the works you do for Him - continue to pray, press on trying to win others to Christ - but do them because you love Him and you love others, not because a payment is required. That already happened when God offered His Son.

And on a final thought, let me encourage you to begin reading your Bible daily. I promise you, when you bury your face in His word - peace will come. And it will come at times when it makes no sense at all. I like to think that is God whispering, "It's all going to be okay. You're mine and I will never leave you." I want you to know that, and I'm convinced that we never truly know God until we study Him. So open up your Bible and commit to read it every single day - you deserve it and He desires it.

Much love,
Tammy

A Suffering Adult Child

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This is so unfortunate for so many. I can tell the pain is unbearable for you to watch your daughter and grandchildren suffer. We are praying for you and your family and stand firm in the belief that God is good regardless of the circumstances. The immediate need that needs to be addressed is their safety. I'm concerned, as I know you are, about a pregnant mother of 3 young children being in isolation for long periods of time. I would encourage you to talk to your pastor if you are affilaited with a church for spiritual and practical guidance. Keep the lines of communication open, very open, with your daughter. Express your concerns over her safety. I know it seems unsurmountable when resources are limited, but let me encourage you to continue praying for her. Ask her to accompany you if you do speak with your pastor. Remind her that although it may not look like it now, if she's serious about turning her life over to the Lord - He will not leave her side. He will walk her through these turbulant times and direct her paths. He will bring her out of the darkness in His time and according to His will. Please know that I am praying for you, as are the other mentors. She is so fortunate to have a mother that is this concerned over her well-being. God will honor that, just keep lifting her and your precious grandchildren up to Him.

What can I do to adjust to my father getting remarried?

This is one of those times where there is no easy answer and oh, how I wish there was. My parents divorced when I was 15 and I remember how it felt to be forced to conform to the new family dynamics. It’s extremely difficult and equally as painful. What I want you to remember above all else is that God sees you right where you are and this is no surprise to Him. He knows you’re hurting and He knows why you’re hurting. If at all possible, I suggest you try to have a conversation with your father. Let him know ahead of time that it is very important to you that you have his undivided attention. Cover it in prayer and know what you want to say to him. Be careful not to attack his fiancée but be honest with how and why she makes you feel as you do. Even though you don’t like her, she is the woman he has chosen to marry and so I think it’s important you be as tactful as possible. Also, tell him you feel ignored. Tell him how important your relationship with him is to you and see if the two of you can come up with some ways to make the time you have together quality time; give him some ideas of things you would like to do with him. Don’t give up on him just yet, this is new to him as well. The only way the 2 of you will have a chance to resolve this is to make sure you are grounded in the Truth and be honest with one another. Give each other some room to make some mistakes while you work through this. And by all means, don’t run away from your Heavenly Father. Run as fast as you can to Him. In all of this chaos, He is the only one that has this under control. Trust Him to get you through this very difficult time. Pour out your heart to Him – let him know your hurts, frustrations, and anger. When you do this, it opens up the door for Him to communicate with you and begin working in a very powerful way. I am a very strong advocate of journaling. I find that when I am able to express my innermost feelings in a very honest way, I begin to see things a little more clearly and journaling helps me to do that. You can incorporate that into your quiet time with God and you might just be amazed at how He shows up! As a child of divorced parents, I understand your pain and will continue to pray for you. I promise you will get through this – no matter how dark it seems right now – you will get through this.

My relationship

This prayer request is very important! Although there is no miracle answer, the best I have to offer is to wait. Use this next 3 months to cover your relationship in prayer. Continue to be honest with one another about your feelings and commit to pray together, seeking God’s best. Even though there is a distance between you, there are so many ways you can offer words of encouragement and pour life into the relationship. In the end, when she does return home, there is still a chance that the feelings won’t be the same. You may find it has grown into something more solid than what it would have been had you not had the distance and then again it may have changed completely. I wish there was a rock-solid solution but the only thing I know of that is rock-solid is Christ. Always remind yourself that God is in control and you look to Him alone to fulfill your needs. What I hope for above all else is that the two of you submit to God’s will for your life. Allow God to work in you and through you so that you will fit perfectly with the one He has designed for you. I pray for the both of you as you continue to go through this time of transition in your relationship, knowing that God has great things in store.

Confused

I’m glad to hear you say you are struggling with this. This tells me you know what you find yourself in the middle of is not the best for you. There is not a gray area here; stealing is wrong. God commands obedience. Be careful not to buy into what the world is telling you. I hear you say it is “almost accepted.” It’s not. If that were the case, laws would be changed and what you are doing would no longer be criminal nor would you have anything to feel guilty about. If stealing is what it takes to impress a boy, then I have to question his character. His primary thoughts are not for your benefit; if they were then he would encourage you to stop and even be willing to risk losing the relationship if you refused. Look farther down the line . . . if your relationship with him includes theft as the foundation, what substance is there? If you are untrustworthy now, which is the bottom line when you choose to steal, why would he trust you later? The same can be said for him – if this is what it takes to impress him now, what will it take later? If you truly desire to impress, don’t set the bar so low. Be a young woman of excellence – choose righteousness. If you are involved in your local church, let me encourage you to go to your pastor. If you are not actively involved in a church now, get plugged into one. We are so fortunate to live in a country where churches are on every corner – find one. Surround yourself with friends that have character and want to stand apart for the right reasons, ones that will lift you up and encourage you. Stop the behavior, repent, and ask God to help you when the temptation arises. And be prepared, because the temptation will come and the only way you can fight it is with the help of the One who has already overcome evil. How exciting to know that the reason you are struggling is because God Himself is wooing you back to Him. The Holy Spirit stands ready to fight for you if you will let Him. Bury your face in His word, thank Him for forgiveness. If you have a relationship with your parents that allows it, talk to them. Tell them what has been going on in your life and let them help you. Ask for their advice and let them know you desire to change. Make restitution wherever possible, but I don’t suggest you do this alone. Again seek guidance from your parents or pastor. God has so much more in store for you and it is quite possible the reason you don’t feel the way you should is because you are being held in bondage by sin. I will be praying for you as I expect great things for you.